Building A Community That Lasts with Molly Mahar

Dusti Arab 

Hello, and welcome back to Referral Worthy everybody. Today I have Molly. I think I actually say your name wrong. Consistently. Is it May-har or Mah-har? 

Molly Mahar

It’s May-har.

Dusti

All right, excellent. I have Molly Mahar here today from Stratejoy. And this is a really special one for me guys. So special because Stratejoy has been a community that I’ve been a part of since 2011. And so I’ve been doing this about as long as I’ve been in business and the online space and honestly, Molly is the only reason I turned into a functional adult. Like if we’re being honest. Molly, thank you so much for being here today.

Molly  

I’m so happy to be here.

Dusti  

So I would love for you to tell me a little bit more about Stratejoy where it’s at right now. Tell me about the work you do.

Molly  

Oh, that’s a good question. But I do have all the answers. Just kidding. Just Stratejoy answers. I generally describe Stratejoy as a community for women. This is the big inclusive arm circle for women. That teaches personal intimacy. Nobody knows what that is because I totally made up that phrase. So it teaches or helps or supports or guides whatever word you want to use, a relationship with yourself. How to listen to yourself, how to trust yourself, how to love yourself, if that’s a possibility in this lifetime for you and how to express yourself. And I think if I’m looking for a through line between all the different courses that I’ve taught and coaching that I’ve done and live events, like that is it. I don’t think I would have been able to say that at the beginning. Since my tagline, which was say 2009 was about your quarter life crisis, right? Because literally, I was like 28. It was just so long ago.

Dusti  

Right? I know. We all start somewhere. But that’s a perfect lead in, so tell me about your origin story. How did you end up creating Stratejoy?

Molly  

Yeah, okay. So we’re going way back because I’m talking to you in present day life as a 43 year old with, you know, two middle aged kids, and a minivan and I have to get a fucking mouthguard tomorrow at the dentist. Like, ok now you’re fully middle aged at this point. But at the beginning, I was working in hospitality. I have a business degree from Cornell and I literally had a panic attack one morning sitting at my computer in my cheap polyester suit going, “What the fuck am I doing with my life? But like, truly, what am I doing?” And I was selling men in suits, you know, miniature bottles of Coca Cola for $4.50 because I was in banquets and I did sales and we did corporate events and weddings. And I worked at some sexy boutique hotels in Seattle. And it was a very fun job. But I woke up one morning like, “I am not making a difference and apparently making a difference is important to me.” And so fast forward a big chunk of time, I was dating my now husband, we went on a big I don’t even know what you call it. It wasn’t a sabbatical. I just quit work and relied on no money. Basically he paid for the trip. We flipped a condo, I planned, he paid. I traveled around the world. I came back with this idea of wanting to develop a company or a space where women could talk about deep things where we could look at our lives and have time and space to reflect and to make some intentional choices. And I think what had happened to me is I was, I wouldn’t say a perfectionist, but I was definitely an achiever. Like what is the next box to check off? Let me check it off and let me get the gold star. And I felt like I ran out. I wasn’t sure what to do, which at this point is a completely common feeling. And I understand, you know, it comes in all these different lifetimes, at life points, but at that point, I felt like I was having this epiphany that no one else had had.

Dusti  

Oh to be in our 20s again.

Molly  

I know right? The older I get the less I know, but I was but I you know, whatever. What a brave little 28 year old I was to say, “Hey, I want to build a company around this.” And I didn’t know other entrepreneurs, women entrepreneurs, I didn’t know whether…life coaches was in the very beginning stages of things it felt like and I just said I’m gonna go for it. So I worked other jobs to make money and I just started offering, what was the call? I think it was the Joy Equation live, like in person and I tried to sell it three or four different times that no one signed up for it. I don’t want to say I tried to sell it. I don’t even remember what I was doing. Like how did I sell it? But I do remember selling the first three spots and like this two month workshop that we are going to do because I spoke at a women’s networking event and I wore a little lab coat and maybe even like science goggles on my head and I stood in the corner. This was all with permission, like this is what I was doing. I was speaking on the stage and then I had like, “Do you want a joy diagnosis?” Like a doctor would right? How creative and adorable I was. I don’t think I told that story in a long time. And I talked maybe 25 different women and you know just asked some questions and looked them in the eye and made them feel seen because that’s what I like to do. But three of those women who were at that event signed up for my first workshop at $149 each. And that was the beginning of Stratejoy. Like that’s truly the beginning.

Dusti  

That’s incredible. I did not know about the lab coat. That’s incredible.

Molly  

I still have it, it’s in my dress up box. Well, Juliet’s dress up box at this point, but yeah, right. 

Dusti  

Oh, my God, that’s incredible. You know, it is so funny to think about our past lives and past iterations like that, because especially with something like life coaching and women’s spaces, like it’s, for most of us, I feel like we do start somewhere like that and evolve from there. Just because it’s a natural part of the aging process and you get older and the wisdom is that you realize that you don’t know shit. And there’s just so much more out there, right? 

Molly  

I know. I know, which is amazing in its own right as we unfold and you know, I get more clear on certain things and I get less clear on a whole lot more but I think that’s part of the magic. Like I’m not minding getting older minus the wrinkles situation but whatever. Just gonna be what it’s going to be. I love going through life and having this and I do think Stratejoy, just in being an entrepreneur but also the kind of work that I do, has really taught me to pay attention and be curious about my own life, about others lives. And I think maybe that’s a piece that I try to teach or try to model. Like there’s so much magic if you can just pay attention, if you can just hold your own attention long enough without getting distracted or without numbing out or you know, all the things we do to ignore the life that is right in front of us. I find that fun and I still find it fun and exciting to this day. And I think that’s what’s kept me locked into Stratejoy for as long as I have. Like the possibility of what if we just pay attention? What happens?

Dusti  

And I see that reflected in your community too, because I am not part of any other community that I’ve been a part of this long. And I know that and I wasn’t even part of like original crew. I think I came in like seven or eight years after you had started. And there are still so many people, like when everybody’s introducing themselves for Holiday Council every year…so for anyone who is uninitiated into the Stratejoy community, Holiday Council is Molly’s annual planning like it’s a review. It’s a planning thing. And now it’s also part of a larger community. But what everybody does the beginning is they introduce themselves, and one of the gorgeous things about those intros is you see who was a season blogger, who’s gone to camp, what are their camp names and like, and you can see that level of depth and community. And I think the other thing that’s very cool is that there isn’t, it’s not exclusive. It is like the opposite of exclusive. Like everyone is so inclusive regardless of what level you participated in, even if you only show up for Holiday Council every year, like you recognize names from like, you know, because I’ve been doing this six years and it’s just the way that you created this community is very unique as far as women’s spaces that I’ve been in before. It’s not something you necessarily graduate out of.

Molly  

Yeah. Or you do and maybe you come back. I love the like, wow, I haven’t seen your name for 10 years and you’ve decided now is the time to do it like that. I guess I could see how that would bother someone but for me, I’m like, “That’s awesome. What the hell have you been up to in the last 10 years? Yeah, seriously, tell me everything.” Which goes back to the curiosity, right? There’s always something to learn about yourself. There’s always something to learn about what you want from life. Now, I feel like maybe that’s one of the other kind of underlying, again, I’ve done it so many different ways. But one of the things I think has kept me and the community going is that idea of desires and that they change and that what we wanted 13 years ago probably isn’t the same as what we want now. And so you can’t just do it once and be done. Like okay, life figured out. One, life gets in the fucking way. And two, we change, we evolve, are going through these different cycles. And so you have to keep paying attention. And whether Stratejoy has taught you how to do that for yourself, and then you can go off and just do it in your own life, that’s awesome. I fully support that. If you need the reminder, the structure and the space and the time, that’s what I’m here for. And luckily, that’s fun for me. I know it sounds boring to someone else. They’re like, “You’ve done the same thing 13 times.” Like, yep, like just the same exact thing. I’m like, “Oh, well, I make it better. I learn things every year.” Right? But the same thing. I’m like, “Yep, yes.” They’re like, “Oh.”

Dusti  

I mean, just like from my marketing brain perspective, that makes absolute sense to me. Like, why wouldn’t you keep iterating on your frameworks that obviously work? And like, these are the things that we keep coming back to, which means they probably fucking matter.

Molly  

Like, yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, who knows what, again, I don’t know, who knows what my future will hold. But I know whether or not I was selling it or leading it, I would be doing the Holiday Council process myself. Because it is so grounding to me. Like, yeah, that framework, my brain knows it. It relies on it. I use it on a daily basis and at a bigger level. You know, as someone who is a seeker of adventures, and I’m getting even more specific with what that means to me, there is a big piece of novelty, which sounds funny when I just said I’ve done the same thing 13 times. I think my business is steady so my life can be novel. Like I think there is a balance that provides a structure and a touchstone, you know, that my work and my community, the longstanding people, where then I can do these things in my life life that keep me on my toes, that keep me on the very edge of my comfort zone. So that’s actually something I’m examining right now, how to take some of that energy and bring it into Stratejoy. As I am kind of reiterating coming back from my sabbatical and thinking about what does Stratejoy look like in this next, you know, I talked about this, the eight years. Like this next season of life and work for me. 

Dusti

That’s so cool. 

Molly

Both comfort and novel. I gotta push a little bit harder, I think, which is what I do naturally in my life, but maybe not in my business. So I’m making examining fingers over here like, “I don’t know exactly yet, but I’m getting so much closer.” And that feels exciting.

Dusti  

Yeah, it is exciting. Like, that’s such a great way to be approaching your business. And your marketing is to have that curiosity, that idea of being willing to experiment more and just to try things. Like I find that there are usually, that’s when people really get stuck is when like they have been, you know, you hear all the gurus prescribe, you know, “It’s got to be this way. It’s got to be the webinar funnel.” And like, I don’t know how many times at this point that I’ve heard, “I just really don’t want to email my list or I really don’t want to do social media.” And like my favorite thing to say on a consulting call is, “Okay, don’t.”

Molly  

Good. Okay. You know, that sounds clear.

Dusti  

Yeah, “So what you want to do instead?” And that is enough to just open things up so much, because like, you don’t have to build your business the same way as everybody else. It’s allowed to be novel. To the extent with what you’re comfortable, obviously, but I also find that most business owners get fucking bored after a while if there isn’t something like that where they can, you know, play a little bit.

Molly  

Yeah, like when I was traveling I, you know, I made some really clear decisions about what I wanted that to look like for my family, for myself, for my energy, for my time, and I really wanted like free space which I will tell you I got fucking bored by the end. My like my travel existential crisis was like, “I feel pointless. What’s the point of being alive?” Like, we were going there, not in like a bad way just in the, “Okay, like I am about as empty as I could possibly be as a vessel. Now it is time for the inspiration and ideas to come back.” But the permission, one of the pieces of permission I gave myself was like, I know that I’m not going to be emailing my list. I know that I’m not going to be, I don’t want to work while I was traveling. Like I had worked for three years to save up enough money for my half of this trip. I had, I had let go of all of my team members, like I did, I made lots of sacrifices so that I could have the sabbatical. But I did know that one of the things I love about social media is, at least the way I’ve done it, is my personal Instagram is like my memory book of my life. Okay, we can all have opinions whether I should be doing this or not blah blah blah. But that is the form that it uses. And so I was like, “Okay, I’m not going to be emailing. I’m not going to sell anything other than Holiday Council,” I’m going to post about my travels on my personal Instagram, my personal Facebook and that’s going to have to be how I talk to my people for now. But of course everyone loves it because who knows someone traveling the world with their kids, like how cool was that? But it didn’t feel like I was marketing, quote unquote marketing because I wasn’t. I was just making sure I was capturing what was going on for me. But it made it feel like I didn’t disappear, I think for the community. And so that was again just another good lesson. Okay, you can do this. However you want to do this, you know, quote fingers around this marketing, engagement, connection. 

Dusti  

Yeah, that’s something I have seen you do, and wrangle with in just a really beautiful way over the years. And it’s so hard when you do something as intimate as you do, where you’re creating the space and like, so people do, in a way I feel like other creators don’t necessarily have to the same extent where they feel like you know, because you are you’re also a friend. And that has got to feel so complicated sometimes. Like I mean, I feel like you’re really in a good space with it now, but I remember watching you for several years there and being like, “Oh man, I could not hold that kind of space like, ain’t no way.” And then, but yeah, I feel like you did such a great job sharing the way that you did and doing the photo dumps and all of that. And like, I don’t care what anybody says about being bitches about how you use your Instagram or not like I want to see your babies. I want to see you having fun.

Molly  

I wanna see your baby. 

Dusti  

Right? Like, you can’t give me an update of your pet photos. Like I want all of that stuff. And yeah, like I’m here for the hard things too. But like, yeah, do you blame people for not wanting to blast them on social media Christ?

Molly  

Yeah, I don’t have any answers about how we should be. And I think I’ve got a new thing to share. I’m sure we’re over our time because I’d like to talk a lot. Right one of my notes in my life things I’m curious about, my notebook was, do we only know what we stand for when we get pushed up against it? Because the only way to figure out what is a yes or a no, for me, is when somebody else tramples upon it. Like I don’t love that feeling or like the only way to evolve or change is through hardship. Because in so many ways, my life has been so fucking blessed, like you know, hashtag privileged all of the things but truly, truly it has been so like, well, then I’m never going to be an evolved human being or maybe that’s coming for me. And so I think about this, can I learn through joy? Can I learn through presence? Can I learn through mindfulness? Like maybe I’m not going to be someone who has this very dramatic life and all this, you know, things that are happening. Does that make my journey less? Does that make my learning less? Does that I don’t, I don’t know. But it’s one of those things, especially in the land of what I would call like, produced vulnerability, or in some cases, people going off to completely fucking unhinged. Well, if I don’t even know what’s going on, in the online space, we’ll just make faces at that. I don’t pay that much attention. But uh, yeah, sometimes it’s so and I’m like, “Oh, I’m kind of boring”. And then I wrote the word basic. And then I wrote the word well, maybe it’s just normal. Maybe it’s just the opposite of extraordinary. I was really obsessed with the word extraordinary for a long time at the beginning of my business. And I know why. It’s because I wanted my life to be different. I wondered what I was doing especially through work to be different, and also I needed to clean up some very toxic behaviors towards myself. Eating disorder, blackout drinking, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I am fully in the phase of my life where I feel ordinary, and that does not feel like a bad thing to me. I don’t know where I’m going with this other than these are the kinds of things I think about for myself and for Stratejoy of like, “Well, how do we talk about this?” This doesn’t seem to be in the culture, like it’s not exciting. I’m not making waves or when people tell me I’m out to change the world by transforming 500 million women’s lives in this way. I’m like, “Oh, I’m not, my dreams are not that big.” Is that right? Is that wrong? I don’t think so. I’m very proximal. This is why I think you said like the clients to friends to community piece for me. There’s there’s no real strong, I mean, there’s boundaries and ways there has to be, but compared to a lot of people in my space, I have no boundaries in that way. And I like it that way. That is because I don’t feel any different than the person sitting next to me at a Stratejoy event or someone who’s sharing on a call. I’ve had coaches and other people call me out on this, that like you have to be a leader. Like during the pandemic, “How are you leading your community through the pandemic?” And like I can barely fucking survive and how can I lead somebody else? Like don’t put that on me. Like, “Well, you’ve put that on you.” I’m like, “No, I haven’t. I have never claimed to know the way for everyone.” I get I’m like, Okay, but what I have claimed is, “I will help you figure out your way.” And so whether you need me to push you against that thing, like some you know, I’m very I can be very triggering for people. I get that. I don’t think that’s a bad thing necessarily. Great. You don’t like what I’m saying that makes you uncomfortable. Good. Pay attention because it’s telling you something about your truth. Right? That is what I care about. You know, then I take my own lesson when someone else is triggering me. I’m like, This is good for you Molly. Explore that trigger even though I’m like, “Why are you so mean to me?” They hate me. You know, this is good. Pay attention. Why? Why do you feel that way? What’s going on? 

Dusti  

Well, there’s so many good interesting pieces there. 

Molly

Sorry. That was a long 

Dusti

No, no, that was magic. That’s what we’re here for. You do provide a really interesting mirror for people. And because your journey does have a lot of things that other people want, but it never feels like with so many other creators in the space like this is my biggest complaint about life coaches just in general is like, they have to put on a front or they like, it’s not even full vulnerability. But we have to have all of the markings of upper middle white class. You know this, I have all of these signals going off to demonstrate that I have the thing you want, and you have never done that in any of your branding ever. It feels very accessible. And that accessibility piece is reflected also in the community itself. And we are very similar in this regard. Like I definitely couldn’t do it in the way that you do it in your space. But as far as the way I’ve run my business, it is exactly the same because I only will work and this is privileged to I only work with people I really fucking like who I really believe in the message that they’re they’re spreading because I’m a marketer, I have the devil’s handbook. Like I can make anything if I wanted to. But I have the privilege of not having to do that anymore. And I’m very grateful for that. But there’s just so much there that I feel like as your message grows, it does become more acceptable for people to feel like they can show up, you know, in the way that they want to and maintain that in a way that feels good for them regardless of how that appears to the other people in their life or the other people following them online, etc.

Molly  

Yeah, life I mean, like I just want people to pay attention, pay attention and then, it’s not make decisions. But just don’t go through your life in a fog or in that you know, again, you could take this in a million different directions are we going the victim route fog are we going the toxic distraction fog are we going down you know addictive substances fog are we turning into the AI oh my god, don’t get me started on those fucking headsets. The virtual reality headsets. I am sorry I will never find you sexy if you put one of those on.

Dusti  

I think that’s fair.

Molly  

I’m not sure that again, you know, maybe I’m not an early adopter. So give me 20 years I’ll be walking down the street with mine, whatever. How old will I be? 63.

Dusti  

No we won’t. We’re gonna be naked under the moon behind some cabin somewhere.

Molly  

Okay, that’s 100% more me. Anyway, to each their own. Because that’s one thing I think I am pretty good at saying is like “I want you to know yourself.” And I don’t want you to cause harm and I want you to, you know, wake up to some of these systems that are putting you where you are. However, that is not what I’m interested in changing. I hope other people do. I will give you my vote. I will give you my money. I will give you a soothing place to reground but I am very just interested in your relationship with yourself and how that functions out in the world. And I used to feel bad about that. Like it wasn’t doing enough to make change. You know and in a very broken world, which I do think is what we are operating in. And then I finally had to just get over myself, like it wasn’t doing me any good to play that game. Oh, I’m not making enough difference. Now you know what, I’m going to double down on what I can do and where I do feel most effective and most aligns and what feels most natural and that is pretty much what I’ve been doing. So we’re gonna keep going and see what new forms it takes in this next season, which is exciting. I was scared and now I’m excited. I think I’ve made the leap to growth, right? I’m finally out of destruction. I feel the growth excitement and it took over two years to get here. 

Dusti  

Yep. Been there, part of the cycle. Okay, so Molly, final question. What makes a business referral worthy to you?

Molly  

Okay, I’m trying to think of things that I have referred. What makes a business referral worthy to me? I have to know what you do, which is how I’m really feeling. I have to know what you do. Like, it needs to be specific enough that it comes to me easily. You’re a great example of this. I feel like Stacia, who does the style school, is a great example. Right? It’s so specific. She’s so good at it. Like I could if I hear a need, I can easily say “Oh, you know who you should check out? Stacia.” I’m so clear what it is and then yeah, I’m with you. I have to have to, this is a silly word, I have to vibe with you. Or I have to feel like you’re a good, is good the right word? Yeah, probably a good person. And, in my book, would have the vibes is, it’s generally a positive, I don’t really love again, the pushing against something else to define who you are. I understand why it’s done. I completely get disruption and you know, triangulating yourself in a negative way, but I much prefer and I am much drawn to people who triangulate themselves in a positive way. Great, you don’t have to tell me all the things you aren’t for. What are you for? So there’s some vibe of hope or, obviously, earnest enthusiasm, which is a piece that I’m really drawn to. So for me to refer someone there has to be a positive vibe and that is the most ridiculous thing, and I understand but it’s the best way to describe it.

Dusti  

It’s actually not. Vibing is something and that’s a common answer for this question. Like if we don’t vibe I’m not hiring you. 

Molly  

Yeah, well, and also like, I don’t know what your CVS is like, but why are CVS’s so terrible, or is it Walgreens? Or it’s both of them?

Dusti  

Maybe both of them? They’re both awful.

Molly  

Do they do that on purpose? Why does it seem like you’re walking into a dank cave of humanity when you try to go to a pharmacy? I used to live near one in San Diego that was seriously the worst place and I refused to go. Why? So I will not send you to a CVS.

Dusti  

That’s such a great example though, of like the vibe. I know exactly what you mean, that fucking awful overhead fluorescent lighting, someone at the counter who looks like their soul has been sucked out.

Molly  

Like there’s stuffed animals next to batteries next to condoms. Like why? Why? Do better? I guess I go to bougie pharmacies.

Dusti  

Yeah, that’s yeah. All right. That is somebody’s new startup idea. So just you heard it here, and make sure you credit Molly. All right, everybody. Right. Reinvent CVS, bitches. Thank you so much everybody for listening in today. Molly, thank you so much. It’s always a joy to talk to you. And I can’t wait to share this one with everybody.

Molly 

Thank you for having me.